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Tom Riddle’s Non-Horcrux Diary

So I decided that it’d be fun to write a diary from the perspective of Lord Voldemort during his stay with the Malfoys in Deathly Hallows. If you haven’t read that book, then you shouldn’t be here. You have five seconds to go and start reading Harry Potter. Go. Well I’m gonna do this. It might be a series. Who knows.

June 13

Dear Diary,

Hey again, it’s me, Voldy. So, Lucius and Narcissa have got a pretty nice place here. Although I’m not really liking the decor in the room I’m staying in. I think they said they had this room decorated when Narcissa was pregnant with Draco and they thought it was going to be a girl. It’s all pink and funky and smells like pumpkin juice and pastries. Oh, and the bathroom has one of those baby toilets that’s like 6 centimeters off the ground. I tried using a whole bunch of spells on it to raise it or make it bigger or something, but apparently it’s been magic-proofed. And all the pillows in the room have “Draca” embroidered on them (Yeah, I guess they aren’t very creative with names) and there’s this giant stuffed pink dragon in the corner. Even I think that’s a little creepy. But otherwise, it’s a nice place. They’ve got a big yard, you know, good for playing fetch with Nagini and obsessively pacing as I come up with plans to overthrow the Ministry. The other day, though, that damn albino peacock decided to defecate on my beautifully polished cranium. Let’s just say what I did to him made what we did to the Longbottoms look like Charms 101. I think the backyard will be a great place for me to work on my writing career, though. As you know, I’m still working on my poetry anthology, Diggory is Dead and Other Collected Poems, due out at some point after I take over the Wizarding publishing industry. Speaking of which, I just remembered I’ve got to go have a little interrogation session talk with a writer from The Daily Prophet. Until next time, diary, AVADA KEDAVRA.